005: another year older, some the wiser
happy national camilla day! august 7th is a (soon to be) federal holiday.
Today marks the 21st National Camilla Day! I am 21 and I am feeling equal parts ambivalent and excited. The ambivalence is a new feeling for me as my birthday has been, consecutively, my favorite day of the year for as long as I remember. However, I’ve noticed that over the past week or so when I think about my birthday, I feel butterflies in my stomach and a wave of existentialism wash over me. Unlike my past birthdays, this one feels capital r, Real. Real in the sense that I am officially entering a realm of adulthood that separates me from the girl-like wonder of teenagehood.
There’s a running joke on the internet that it’s hard to be a teenage girl in her 20s. I relate to it because even though I technically haven’t been a teenager since last year, I still feel all of the curiosity, yearning, sentimentality, and wonder that I felt at 19, 18, 17, and every year before that. Despite these feelings, the clock keeps ticking and with each passing birthday I feel the pressure to know more than I did the day before. I always get the warm feeling in my stomach when the clock strikes 12 that I should be bestowed some grand wisdom that will lead me through the upcoming year. And I feel this, especially so today.
When I think about adulthood, I think about losing all the curiosity, sentimentality, yearning, and wonder that comes with being young. And trust me, I know 21 is nowhere near old and that there is so much life left ahead of me, but I’ve noticed a pattern of alienation, stoicism, and general discontent among people in my age group and older. Honestly, I’ve noticed it within myself sometimes and I want to be as far removed from that as possible.
I think my biggest aversion to getting older is to suddenly transform into a person that I don’t recognize at all. I’m scared of becoming a person who is hardened by life and pays the most attention to their various Adult sponserbiliries instead of enjoying time with loved ones or taking time to do things that I enjoy. It would seem that because I think about not becoming that type of person so much, I would subconsciously do things that prevent me from becoming that way, but unfortunately, my experience of being 20 proves that theory is incorrect.
When I reflect on my previous year of 20, I think about how I spent the majority of it in my head, in my room, focusing on my responsibilities, or all three. Don’t get me wrong, there were some great moments of being 20, but overall I felt like I was experiencing my life this past year in the backseat while some force unbeknownst to me was driving. It was a year of growing pains, extreme self-reflection, and observation. Even though the year was not at all what I thought it was going to be, it did give me a heads-up on how I want to try and encounter my 21st year.
For starters, I want to enjoy myself this year. A common theme of 20 I discovered was that there were not many moments where I felt like I completely enjoyed myself. Most of the time, it felt like I was just doing things because they were an item that needed to be checked off a checklist. There were only a handful of things that I looked forward to in general threw this year and I don’t think that this is acceptable for my 21st. The vibe I want is Carrie Bradshaw dancing to “Bad Girls” by Donna Summer. I want to have moments this year that I can blame on my frontal lobe not being all the way developed yet! I want to experience this year instead of the year experiencing me (that sounds kind of weird, but you know what I mean).
Next, I want to put my focus on being present in each moment I do get to experience. This kind of goes together with the first one, but because I felt like I was going through the motions so much and living life in the backseat a bit, one goal for this year is to be more mindful and grounded in every situation I find myself in. I read something once that said if you’re always thinking about what’s next or what happened, you can never truly enjoy what you’re experiencing now. The same sentiment is found in the phrase “the time will pass anyway” which I feel puts a lot in perspective for me. I’m making those my guiding intentions for the year.
In cliche fashion, I am focusing on connecting with my inner child and teenager. At this point, I’m very removed from childhood, but I remember being so creative, imaginative, and extroverted. I’ve noticed over time I’ve become a little bit more introverted which is normal, but I want to really step out of my comfort areas for year 21. Connecting with little ole me will help with that. As of late, I’ve been partaking in activities I loved back then like playing/being outside, reading A LOT, and making art (coloring and painting, mostly). Doing these things provide me a sense of peace and inner understanding of myself and I want to make it a priority for the rest of my 21st year.
On the other hand, I’m not that far removed from teenagehood. There is so much still to unpack and discover about myself through that time frame. I want to spend 21 doing things 14, 15, and 16-year-old Camilla wanted to do but was not confident or knowledgeable enough to do yet. If anything, my whole year will be focused on making that part of myself the happiest. It’s what the teenage me deserves.
Finally, I want to spend this year feeling and leaning into the awkward transition into adulthood. It feels weird to me to consider myself as one because I see adults as a separate entity from myself, but I can no longer deny that I am one. Through this transition, I am going to be much less resistant to the responsibilities that I know will fall upon me, but trying to maintain my curiosity, hope, and a soft heart in the process. Turning 21 feels like a crossroads to me and if I can focus this year on making that transition a bit smoother for myself, I think the rest of my twenties will feel a lot smoother.
There’s so much for me to uncover this year and although I am nervous, I am excited for what’s to come. I’m honing in on not becoming a Real adult in the way that I lose all that has made me cherish the period of adolescence the way I do.
I wrote this in a journal entry at the start of August while reflecting on what year 20 has done for me: “I feel more prepared to face my 20s in general with an inquisitive mind, ready to learn more about myself. I walk into it with an open heart ready to face new experiences, challenges, and opportunities. I come out of year 20 knowing a little more about myself, but realizing there is so much left to learn! And this thought used to give me anxiety, but now it puts excitement in the pit of my stomach.”
And that is exactly how I feel now. Happy birthday to me!
came across this randomly, loved reading 💞💞💞💞